God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
