He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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