I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
