I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
