Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
