I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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