hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
