Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
