They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
