i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
