The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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