Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
