I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
