I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
