these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
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For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
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I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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