Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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