It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
