Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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