my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
