It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
