I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
