"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
