Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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