Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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