I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
