it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
