I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I want a musical about memes.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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