Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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