***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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