i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
