this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
