Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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