"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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