My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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