thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
