i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
