This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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