i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
