I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
