wakey wakey hands off snakey
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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