your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
