question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
