he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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