I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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