tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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