if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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