i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
