im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
