He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
