we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
