I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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