I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
