then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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