It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
