They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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