eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
