Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
