ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
