Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
