I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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