my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
