I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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